The Sorceress Bride
by Killer Hippie
Summary: So what happens when darklords get sick? Mom reads to them, of course!
1. Three Silly Dafts and a Sorceress

* * *

"Five Years Later, The People Of Zephilia Packed Into The Capital Square - For The Grape Festival Was Fast Approaching _And _The Great Prince Val Was To Announce His Fiancée." 

"Val, as in Valgarv?  A prince?" Phibrizo queried, praying that he heard wrong, due to his fever. 

"Yup. And Rezo And Zelas As The King And Queen." L-sama genkied.  What?  Of course, 'genkied' is a word, L-sama Says So!! 

".... that's just sick." 

"I Know." 

* * *

The crowd gave a collective murmur of respect as their heir apparent made his way to the balcony. His impressive form was enough to suck the breath out of young girls and old women alike - and any appearance by the young prince often sent the crowd into a wild uproar. His Not-Physically-Aging-But-Mentally-Corroded parents King Rezo and Queen Zelas followed him. 

Zephila itself had once been a rogue and undeveloped nation. But thanks to expansive wine groves and brute magic force, the once backwater country had become a world power. All of its citizens knew magic on at least on a basic level, and by tradition, the royal family was kept pure with the strongest of mages. 

"Good citizens," Val started, ignoring the swooning peasant girls. "Through our Magic as a people, Zephilia has grown strong. To maintain this strength, it is my solemn duty as Prince to keep the Royal bloodline strong. But as a man, it is my duty to marry for love. And now, fated by the gods, I can fulfill both duties. Your new Princess, once a commoner like yourselves - the Sorceress, Lina!" 

Trumpets blared, and the crowd cleared a path as the Sorceress Bride walked out of the right gate's door and directly through the people. As she mingled through the commoners in her finery, the girl was making a symbolic promise to never forget her origins and to be a fair queen. 

Lina's once bright eyes were as flat as glass. At one time, she would have been exalted to see people on their knees and giving the Sorcery Genius her due respect! 

But... She slowly looked up at Val's smirking face. 

_It _just wasn't there anymore. 

* * *

"Even Though The Law Of The Land Gave Prince Val The Right To Choose His Bride, Lina Did Not Love Him." 

"How sad," Phibby muttered, blowing his nose.  (Due to his cold of course?  Sheesh, what were you thinking?) 

"Do You Have A Heart?" L-sama glowered, angry at the Hellmaster's rather frequent interruptions. 

"No. You created me to be cruel." 

"Oh Yeah... _Ahem _'Despite Val's Assurance That Lina Would Grow To Love Him," L-sama read "Lina Only Found Joy in Practicing Magic. However, Monthly Experiences Sometimes Rendered Such Feats Impossible - " 

"Why is that?" Phibrizo questioned, blinking innocently. 

"... I'll tell you when you're older." 

Hellmaster scowled - he was the oldest of the Dark Lords and he couldn't know?! Whining was considered, but considering that he would be trying the Creator of All's patience, he wisely kept his mouth shut and allowed the Deity to continue Her story. 

"During These _Periods_," L-sama stressed. 

Blank green eyes just waited for her to go on. 

"Hopeless," She muttered before continuing.  "During These Periods, Lina Took Long Rides Into The Country Side." 

* * *

Lina swiftly rode through Zephilia's forests, taking no notice of its unequaled beauty. Irritated, she tugged at the skirt of her dress - it was quite difficult to ride in finery, and thus the scenery was a little hard to admire. 

However, out of place objects - or rather _people _managed to catch her eye.  Lina slowed her mare down to a halt, eying the trio warily. They were really quite a sight - a girl with short black hair wearing far too little, a handsome blond, and ... a fishman of all things. 

The little vein in Lina's head bulged to dangerous proportions as the girl bowed and showed off a little too much of her… assets.  How was skimpy black leather ever a good traveling outfit? "Pardon me, m'lady," the stranger greeted, orange eyes gleaming. "We are but four weary circus performers - " 

"I'd believe it," Lina snorted. "But there are three of you." 

".... My bad," the girl laughed, embarrassed. "Anyway, uh, are there any villages around so that we might rest?" 

"No," the sorceress answered, bored and ready to leave. 

"Nyahaha! Then no one will be around to hear you scream! Gourry! Noonsa!" 

"Hey! Get away from me!" the red head yelled, kicking the blond man in the face. Unfortunately, the lack of balance sent her off of her saddle and... 

Fell into the arms of a fishman, of all the ridiculous things. 

"Leggo! Leggo! LET-MWPH!!?" And thus, Lina's shrieks were cut off by the infamous Fishy-Kiss-Of-Death. But happily Noonsa revised it to the much more simple and less deadly Fishy-Kiss-Of-Unconsciousness. Wasn't that nice? ^_^ 

* * *

Eris smirked to herself as she finished planting the torn and muddied crest onto Lina's horse.  "Git!" she yelled, sending the mare galloping back into the woods, hopefully towards the castle. 

"Uh, what was that you put on the horse?" Gourry questioned, loading the final supplies onto the boat. 

"The Crest of Elmekia," Eris answered, hopping onto the vessel. 

"Who's Elmekia? And won't he be mad that you took his clothes?" 

"Bah!" Eris shrieked, face faulting onto the deck. "Elmekia is a country, you fool!" she yelled, tugging at her hair in anger. 

"It is?" 

"The sword enemy of Zephilia!" 

"Who's Zephilia? She sounds cute." 

"ZEPHILIA IS A COUNTRY TOO!"  This time Eris tried her luck on Gourry's rather luxurious blond locks.

"Ah.... where is it?" 

A random vein popped out onto her head, but she persevered to explain anyway. "_That_," Eris pointed to the soil on which they were docked. "Is Zephilia. And _that_," she pointed across the sea, "is Elmekia. When the prince finds the Elmekian crest, he'll think soldiers kidnapped his lover. Upon finding her dead on Elmekia's shore, his worries will be confirmed!" 

"You never said anything about killing her!" Noonsa yelled, drawing up the sail. 

"It's none of your concern!" she countered. 

"But I don't think it's right to kill an innocent girl." 

"Excuse me?" 

"I don't think it's right either," Gourry quipped. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, did the word 'think' escape either of your lips?" Eris snapped. She first turned her rage on Gourry. "When I first found you, you brainless oaf, you were too drunk to buy ale! And YOU!" she screeched at Noonsa. "You're a FISHMAN who left his tribe in order to make his fortune above the surface. Do you want to go home a failure?" 

"No," Noonsa sniffled. 

"Good! I hired the two of you to help me start a war - a very prestigious job, I assure you. Besides, this is the perfect revenge on King Rezo for choosing that blonde floozy over me and letting his son marry _her_," she motioned to Lina.  "Thus ruining my chances of ever getting into the king's pants!" 

Needless to say, her employees just stared at her, dumbfounded. 

Remembering she forgot to take the 'Stop Raving Aloud' wonder pill, she snapped: "Get back to work!" and stomped off to take said pill as they sailed off the shore.

"Don't worry about her, man," Gourry soothed, slapping the fishman on the back. 

Noonsa nodded, and did what he always did to keep sadness at bay. He preformed a graceful pirouette. 

"Hey! You're really good at that!" 

"Think so?" Noonsa smiled, eyes shining. Someday, yes someday, he would be the greatest ballerina known to man! 

"Sure!" 

"Cut that out!" Eris commanded. 

Hurt by her harsh tone, Noonsa broke down into a lovely rendition of the Waltz of the Sugar Plum Fairy. With Gourry clapping in the background, it was so easy to stay in rhythm! 

"I said CUT IT OUT!" 

* * *

Hours, later, long after sunset, the four of them relaxed on deck, Lina only keeping quiet out of fear of Noonsa smooching her again. 

"Will you stop that? It's unnerving," Eris muttered to Gourry, whom kept looking over his shoulder and into the sea. 

"I think we're being followed," the young man murmured. 

"Ludicrous. No one from either country knows what we've done." 

"But there's a ship out there." 

"Ludicrous!" Eris cried, rushing up to where Gourry sat. Sure enough, there sailed a small ship in the distance. "Um... it's probably just a fisherman out for a leisure sail... at night.... in Naga infested waters. 

And of course, at this time, Lina took the opportunity to hurl her person into the water, fully prepared to swim to one shore or to the other. 

"Go after her!" Eris shrieked. 

"I don't swim!" Gourry panicked. 

"And I just ate!" Noonsa wailed. 

_Sweatdrop _"Veer left!" Eris commanded, hanging over the deck to watch the fleeing sorceress. 

"Left?" Gourry called at the wheel. 

"Right!" 

"Right it is!" And lo, the ship did turn to the right. 

"NO, NO, NO!! LEFT! LEFT!!" 

"But you said - " 

"LEFT!!" she screeched, smacking him upside the head. 

Lina shook her head and ignored the circus behind her,  her concentration focused solely on getting to a shore. 

But that was before something brushed her leg. 

The sorceress came to a frightened halt in the water, looking around desperately as laughter filled her ears. "O-HOHOHOHO!" 

"Hear that, princess?" Eris called. 

"Hear what?" Lina countered as arrogantly as the situation would allow. 

"OH-HOHOHOHO!!" 

"Uh, maybe," she squeaked, treading water. 

"That is the laughter of the sea serpent Naga," Eris explained, her orange eyes glowing with malice. "She laughs before she strikes and devours her victims. Swim back now and no harm will come to you, I doubt she will give you such an offer!" 

"OHOHOHOHOOOO!" 

"Oops, too late," Eris muttered, snapping her fingers.

"AAH!" Lina threw her arms up in a meager defense as the high-pitched and overly proportioned serpent invaded her personal space. 

* * *

"...She Doesn't Get Eaten, You Know," L-sama laughed, wiping the expectant smile off of Phibrizo's face. 

"Mother!" he cried, crestfallen. "Did you have to take away the only possible joy I have in this story?" 

"Yes." 

"Ah-choo!" 

"Heh. Punishment Is A Bitch, My Dear. Now, Where Were We... 

* * *

"AAH!" Lina threw her arms up in a meager defense as the high-pitched and overly proportioned serpent invaded her personal space. 

"OH-HOHOHOHO!" yelled a male voice. 

"HoHOHO?" the Naga questioned, pausing in the middle of her attack.

"oh-HO-oh-HOO!!" 

"HOOOHO!" 

Forgetting about the small girl in the water, Noonsa and Naga engaged themselves in meaningful conversation (which incidentally gained Noonsa the serpent's number).  While his friend worked it, Gourry pulled the shivering Lina back onto the ship. 

"That was real bright!" Eris snapped, tying Lina's wrists together to ensure no future breakaways and just incase _that time of the month _was soon over. "You think you're brave or something?" 

Lina shook her head so that she could look her captor in the eye, but her bangs remained plastered to her face. She was seeing red, literally. Contenting herself with the fact that _if _she had her magic, the trio wouldn't stand a chance, she merely shrugged in response. 

* * *

They next morning, they all arouse bright an early to Gourry's observation that.... "Hey Eris! That ship's still there!" 

"Ludicrous!" she gasped, running to the ledge. Sure enough, there it was, closer than the night before. 

"It's almost on top of us!" Noonsa panicked. 

"Well, he's too late, see!?!" she cried, pointing dramatically. "Look - it's the Cliffs of Sudden and Unexplainable Mental Illness!" 

* * *

"That's a silly name for a cliff, Mother," Phibrizo observed, still disappointed that Lina hadn't been killed yet. 

"Yeah, And Phibrizo's A Real Winner." 

"Mother!" 

L-sama just smirked to Herself and continued reading. 


	2. In Which not so Dramatic Swordplay Occur...

* * *

"You see? You see?! The Cliffs of Sudden and Unexplainable Mental Illness!!"  It was looking good, but then again, that Eris always had a brain about her. "NYA HA HA HA!!!"  Yes, she was well on her way to victory and preferred to celebrate by breaking it down into an inspired pre victory jig. 

"O.O" Gourry refrained from commenting, preferring to watch Eris jump up and down, and up and down and up... 

"What're you looking at? " Eris screeched, seeming to forget about her 'Hey, Look At Me!' ensemble. Lina rolled her eyes as Eris pummeled Gourry into the ground for staring at her 'assets' a bit too long.  One of the many, many reasons tight leather wasn't good for traveling. "Noonsa! Stop the ship! Get a hold of that thing! And that other whatchamicallit!" 

"But I don't know anything about boats!" the fishman whimpered, confused at the numerous watchamicallits. 

"What do you mean you don't know anything about boats?" Lina asked. 

"I'm a fishman... we kinda just swim around, you know." 

"Oh." 

"JUST DROP THE DAMN ANCHOR!" 

"You people _are _a circus trio," Lina grumbled. 

"Shut up, you! My plan is perfect! The entrance is too narrow for ships, Noonsa will swim us to the cliffs and then carry us up." 

"I'll do WHAT?!" 

"Swim us to the cliffs and carry us up," Eris calmly repeated, strapping Lina and the unconscious Gourry to his back. 

Noonsa did the only thing any competent fishman would do… he whimpered in pity.

"Oh for Pete's Sake!"  Lina turned around as much as she could and called out to their pursuer.  "HEY! PERSON IN THE OTHER BOAT! HEEELLL - " 

**_Splash!_**

Well now, off they go. Lina spat out a mouthful of seawater, glaring at Noonsa.  Thanks for the warning, bub. 

"Swim, boy, swim! Nya ha ha!" 

"Eris, you're scary!" cried Gourry, struggling with his wet mass of hair. 

"And you're heavy!" chimed Noonsa. 

"Quiet, both of you!" 

Lina cursed her... monthly problems and stared at the boat they had abandoned. Her 'savior' was nowhere in sight. Straining her neck upward, she couldn't help but be impressed at the vastness of the ravine.  A giant cliff in a Null Zone - no magic, no flight spells. Even if the other guy caught up, there was no way he could scale that cliff… wasn't that just freaking convenient. 

"I'm brilliant!" Eris congratulated herself as Noonsa waded out of the water to begin climbing the impossibly long rope up the impossibly high cliff. 

And it was a long climb. A very long climb in fact. Long enough to bore Gourry…. No wait, that doesn't take much uh, at any rate, Gourry, was bored. So he looked at the pretty clouds, the pretty birds... the pretty man below them... wait a minute. "Hey Noonsa," he tapped his exhausted friend. "Someone else is climbing too. Fast guy." 

"Don't look, climb!" Eris snapped at the fishman. "This is ludicrous!" 

Lina peered down and there was in fact a black clad figure hot on their trail. A cowl hid his upper face and hair from her view. She blinked. It had to be the guy from the ship, but there was no way he could have swum fast enough to catch a fishman... 

"Faster!" 

"I'm going, I'm going!" Noonsa grumbled, struggling his way up. 

"You're supposed to be the fasted swimmer in your tribe, but _he _caught up. A being with super human strength, but he's on your heels!" 

"He's not carrying three people," the blond pointed out helpfully. 

"Shut up, Gourry!" she snapped.  "I'll just have to find a new fishman!" 

"Don't say that, Miss Eris," Noonsa begged, finally reaching the top of the cliff and happily dropping his load. 

"Get offa me!" Lina wheezed. 

"Sorry," Gourry blushed, rolling off the sorceress. 

"Stop clowning around!" the irate female snapped, cutting at the impossibly long rope with her dagger. The sinews separated with a final 'snap' and impossibly long rope fell from the impossibly high cliff, presumably taking its impossibly fast customer with it. 

Or not. 

Gourry and Noonsa _stared _down the ledge. Mysterious Masked Man stared back, clinging to the ravine walls. 

"Whaaaat?! He didn't fall?! This is a Null Magic Zone! LUDICROUS!!" Eris ranted, pulling at her short hair. 

"You keep on repeating that," Gourry pointed out. "I don't think it means what you thought." 

"Argh! Noonsa, take the Princess-"

"-Sorceress," Lina growled, indignant.

 "-Whatever, and come with me! Gourry, you wait for him. If he falls, great, if not, take care of it." 

"Can I use my left hand?" 

"Whatever." 

"And a normal blade?" 

"Fine, fine, just get rid of him!" Eris ordered, running away with Noonsa and Lina. 

Gourry shrugged at their departure, pulling out his sword to warm up. After a few minutes, he got bored again, so logically he went to talk to the nice man climbing the cliff. "Oi! Could you hurry it up a bit, please?" 

"Listen, this isn't exactly easy you know," the Mysterious Masked Man replied in even tones. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't bug me." 

"Fine!" the blond swordsman sniffed, turning away. But he soon forgot the other man's rudeness and was right back at the edge, much to the dismay of the Mysterious Masked Man. "Oi, Mysterious Masked Man, I've got some rope up here." 

"Fabulous. Why don't you run along and get it?" 

"Uh..." 

"Never mind," Mysterious Masked Man sweatdropped, somewhat correctly deducting that the other man rented his brain cavity to jellyfish. 

"Wait, I remember! See, I'm only waiting around to kill you." 

"Hn, makes our relationship a bit uncomfortable, ne?" 

"What relationship? You're not hitting on me are you?!  /.O" the blond freaked, his delicate male sense screaming 'Danger masculine one, danger!'.  

"Argh! Just go away!" Mysterious Masked Man snapped. 

"But I won't kill you till you reach the top!" 

"Forget it! Oh wait, you _would_, wouldn't you?" 

"Won't you trust me?" 

"Positively nothing you can say or do will increase my dubious faith in your intellect." 

"Huh?" 

"Precisely." And lo, the Mysterious Masked Man continued his slow climb. 

"I'll give you my word as a Gabriev!" 

"Oh, _that _helps." 

Gourry looked away and paused. When he looked down again, his whole continence had transformed. His face was stern and his eyes shone with faith, determination, and the instinct of a true mercenary. "I swear upon the soul of my father, Roudy Gabriev, that you'll reach the top alive." 

The Mysterious Masked Man didn't back down from the fierce stare, but he did recognize the Look. "Throw me the rope." 

Gourry was quick to act, and within moments, the Mysterious Masked Man was standing next to him, looking surprisingly well for a guy who just swam and climbed a combined mile or two. "Rest a bit," Gourry offered, despite his feeling that Mysterious Masked Man didn't really need the rest. 

"Why, thank you!" Mysterious Masked Man chirped, sitting down to empty the rocks from his shoes. 

"So... uh... you don't happen to have a three eyed smiley faced birthmark on your right cheek, do you? 

"At the risk of sounding stupid... why?" 

"My father was killed by a guy with such a mark." 

Mysterious Masked Man pulled his cowl up just enough to prove he did not have such a stupid birthmark. 

"You know," Gourry continued, lost in his own little world. "My father was a Wise Man... And the one of the very best weapon makers in the world. The Smiley Faced Man asked him to make a special sword, and Dad took the job." Gourry handed Mysterious Masked Man his blade. 

"I've never seen anything like it," he admitted, giving the sword back to its master. 

"The Smiley Face Man came back for it, but only offered a small fraction of his beginning price. Dad refused, and the Smiley Face Man stabbed him through the heart." Pain shone in his blue eyes as he continued. "I was enraged but I couldn't do anything. He left me with these." He pointed to the two thin scars on either cheek. 

"How old were you?" 

"Eight," he admitted, lancing his fingers. "I've dedicated my life to sword play, it's all I know. There is only one other thing I'll never forget. When I meet that man again, I'm going to say; 'Hello. My name is Gourry Gabriev. You killed my father, prepare to die." 

"No wonder you're an idiot," Mysterious Masked Man sympathized. 

"Yup!" he agreed, sitting down beside Mysterious Masked Man. "Problem is I can't find him. I'm only with Eris as a mercenary job, you see. I need the extra brains." 

"Quite a tale, Gourry-san. I really hope you get to hang that guy by his toenails one day," Mysterious Masked Man declared, standing up. 

"Me too. You ready then?" he asked, joining him. 

"You've been more than patient, sir." 

"Gee, you're a nice guy! Sorry I've got to kill you and all!" 

"Yes, that is a shame." 

Gourry smiled as the black clad figure drew his sword. "Alrighty then." He lunged, testing his opponent. 

All blows were avoided. 

Mysterious Masked Man reached out, his blade slicing through the air. 

All blows were again avoided. 

The battle began in earnest. 

Round and round they danced, never wavering, never getting past one another's defenses. "I'm impressed!" Gourry congratulated. 

"Oh?" 

"Yup! Too bad I'm not left-handed." So saying, his sword jumped to the other hand, and the Mysterious Masked Man was forced into a more frantic defense. 

"What a coincidence!" he grinned, side stepping. "Neither am I!" Swords in their proper hands, the battle continued unbiased for several moments. 

"You're really very good," the blond complemented. 

"Aren't I?" 

"But like _I _said, this isn't a normal sword. Hikari-O!" 

Mysterious Masked Man 'eeped' and ducked the light blade, looking very surprised as Gourry drove him up the surrounding ruin's steps, pinning him against the crumbling wall. "So you said," he conceded wary of the blade at his throat. "But there's still something I haven't told you." 

"And what's that?" 

Smiling, the Mysterious Masked Man opened his eyes _stared _at the taller man.  Gourry flinched at his slit irises. "I'm not human." So saying, he shoved the swordsman away, the blond landing a few feet away, the sword of light falling several feet behind its master. 

Gourry rolled away as the Mysterious Masked Man stabbed the ground, quickly leaping to his feet and back flipping to his sword.  Limber, that one.  His hair flew in wild streams of gold as he reassumed a 'ready' position. 

Mysterious Masked Man smirked and... Disappeared. One minute he's there, the next he was gone... 

Reappearing behind Gourry.  "Boo!"

"AAAAUUGH!!  Who are you?!" the blond screeched, jumping a few feet into the air. 

"No one you'd remember." 

"Come on!" 

"That is... a secret." 

"No fair!" Gourry whined, attacking again. On and on they sparred, Mysterious Masked Man visibly holding back. This enraged Gourry to the point of carelessness. He lunged after a feint and was disarmed. 

Defeated, Gourry sank to his knees, his heart broken. "I failed you, Dad. Kill me quickly." 

"Oh please," Mysterious Masked Man sighed, looking a bit puckish at the sentiment. "I guess I won't kill you, cause you're so interesting," he conceded, knocking the blond out with a blow to the head. "Here's to you, you brilliant idiot!" he saluted, running off towards his true goal. 

* * *

"Ludicrous!" Eris ranted, watching the victor in their direction. 

"You screw up again?" Lina grumbled, flipping her hair out of her face. 

"Will you ever be quiet?  Noonsa, give her to me. After you finish him off, come and meet us." 

"Um... how do I finish him off?" 

"The moment you see his head," she carefully explained, "spear it with your spikes. Come on, you." So saying, she grabbed the shorter girl's writs and took off up the hill. 

"That's not very fair at all!" Noonsa sniffed, sitting down to wait. 

* * *


	3. Spikes and Wine and Zomalgustar, Oh My!

May it be known that I don't own the Slayers, I just like to play with them.  And I don't own The Princess Bride either, though the dvd IS mine, and I pity the fool who tries to take it from me!!

Anyway, big thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story!!  Your comments are greatly appreciated and loved and eventually crushed to death by hugs of joy.  Please enjoy this not so great installment of The Sorceress Bride!!

  


Tight leather, Eris concluded, was great to look at but hell on your lungs.  Once they left Noonsa to deal with the Man in Black, it had been nothing but 'pant pant, wheeze wheeze'.

"That's why leather should only be used for gloves and pants," Lina carefully explained, ignoring the fact that she herself was having a hard time scaling the hill in her rather fancy dress.

"I see that now, but it just seemed so _chick_ at the time," Eris sighed, pulling the smaller girl by her bound wrists.

"Oh I understand what you mean!  It's an honest mistake I suppose… although if you knew you were going to be traipsing around in the woods, you should have worn something with more cover."

"Oh, I thought of that, but my original plan was-"

"MOTHER!!"

"Yes?" LoN questioned, blinking at her little hell mongrel's interruption.

"This has nothing to do with the story does it?" Phibrizo glowered, sipping his herbal tea.

"Well, I Thought It Might Be Nice To Give Eris More Screen Time.  You See, I Always Felt That If Her And My Lina-Chan Would Ever Meet Without The Whole Revenge Thing Hanging Over Their Heads They Would Get Along Beautifully."

"Please get back to the story so we can get this over with!"

"Fine," She pouted, skipping the whole 'Lina-and-Eris-Get-Along-Despite-Their -Differences chapter'.  "Lets See… Noonsa And The Mysterious Masked Man…"

  


After taking care of Gourry, Mysterious Masked Man was hot on the kidnappers' trail.  It was rather easy to follow people when you could see their Astral Residue.  And no, that is not as dirty as it sounds!

So lost was Mysterious Masked Man in his thoughts that he never noticed the extremely pointy object making an unhappy trail towards his person.  In fact, he didn't notice anything was amiss until said pointy object shot past his cute little nose.

"Hey!" he yelped.  Even Mysteriously Cool Men can be startled.

Noonsa stepped from behind the rocks, smiling as much as his fishy lips would allow.  "I didn't have to miss you know."

Mysterious Masked Man grimly assessed the plentiful spikes on the fishman's fins.  "I believe you."

"Well then, why don't you put down your sword and agree to no sorcery, and let's fight as the Beautiful, Compassionate, Devine Lotus of a Celestial Being-"

  


"MOTHER!!"

"Fine, Fine!!"

  


"Lord of Nightmares intended," he finished, crossing his arms.

*Sweatdrop*

"So… I'll lay down my sword here… and promise not to use magic… and we'll go at it with our bare hands?"

"Yup."

"O~kay," the Mysterious One muttered, carefully laying his sword on the ground.  It wasn't that he was worried or anything, it was just, just… how in the hell do you get a fishman into a chokehold?  Was it physically possible?

Taking the initiative, MMM rushed at Noonsa, intending to catch his opponent in a lung-crushing hold.  Unfortunately, Noonsa was just a wee bit slippery, scales and all, so (happily for Noonsa's lungs) he just kind of… slipped away.  "Alright," MMM growled, lunging at Noonsa again.  He was quickly bestowed with the Fishy Kiss of Humiliation.

"AAAUUUGGGH!!" Mysterious Masked Man spat, trying to get rid of that, that… FISH smell.  "You're just toying with me aren't you?"

"Don't say that," Noonsa sniffled.  I just want you to think that you're doing well."

"I am not amused."

"Fine then," he cried, feelings hurt as he threw a few punches.  "Why do you wear that mask anyway?  Has your face been horribly disfigured by piranhas in an acid bath?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu!!" Mysterious Masked Man giggled, disappearing from sight.

"Wha-!"  Noonsa turned around, bewildered.   Now that was odd.  "He buggered off," he muttered, shrugging his shoulders.  Noonsa turned to leave, but stopped in his tracks when his back magical became much heavier than it should have been.

 "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU STUPID HOMOSAPIEN?!?!"  The fishman squirmed.  He was not a violent person by nature, and he could _feel _the spikes impale the other man's chest.  Not the most pleasant situation to be in.

"Why should it-" Mysterious Masked Man grunted as Noonsa drove the spikes further into his Mysterious person.  "Matter?"

The Fishman sweatdropped, praying to any deity that might be listening that the Mysterious Masked Man HADN'T just released a groan of pleasure.  That was just sick!!  "What do you mean it doesn't matter?!"

"It's… just…"

WHAM 

Score one for the Mysterious guy.  Noonsa was knocked out, courtesy of a stray rock that just _happened_ to fall from the sky.  "Lucky me!" MMM cheered, removing himself from Noonsa.  The only damage done seemed to be to his clothes.  Within a second, that too was repaired, and MMM was as impeccable and as dashing as ever.

After learning that the fishman did in fact still posses a pulse, MMM sighed, very unhappy with his current trend of leaving enemies alive.  Two in one day, he was really getting very bad at this.  "See you later, Mahi-Man," he snickered, patting Noonsa's scales.  "May you dream of white serpents with large breasts."

And judging from the occasional noises emitting from our unconscious fishy-friend, he did just that.

  


There was no such thing as disappearing without a trace.  Prince Val knew this, and that was why so many years of his noble life were spent in the devout art of tracking- feeling the moisture in the air, tasting dirt, sharply catching minute damage to the landscape, that sort of thing.  When his father was still competent, Rezo had often complained of young Val's choice of education.  'Boy, you should be studying the art of Healers, of Alchemy, of blah blah blah.'

The Prince grinned at this not so fond memory of his father.  HA!  Well, he was showing him now, eh?  His years spent learning to tell the difference between the droppings of an African and European swallow were finally, er, of course going to something useful.

He was hunting woman: his woman to be precise.

"There was a great battle," Val proclaimed, rising from his crouched position on the ground.  His advisers pointedly ignored the various signs of mass destruction about them, nodding.  Hey, the boy was going to be king one day.  "It took place all over…" he paused.  According to the tracts, one fighter had the other pinned to this wall.  The trapped combatant threw his assaulter away.  It wasn't the abnormal distance with which the other man had fell which caught Val's attention, it was the fact that the challenger went from the wall to immediately behind his opponent.  And that was impossible…

"What happened?" Zangulus, the prince's main advisor queried, "How did it end?"

"The duel ended here."  Val stopped at the spot Gourry laid only and hour earlier.  "The loser took off on his own, but the winner took off… toward Elemekia!!" he declared, pointing dramatically.  His party clapped enthusiastically, one fox man even waving his 'Go Val-sama' banner. 

"Shall we send men after them both?"

Val glared at Zangulus and the advisor cringed at the insanity in his young master's eyes.  "No, just the winner.  Only the princess-"

"-Sorceress."

"-What ever, matters."  So saying Val leaped onto his waiting horse, leading his men to the Elmekian countryside.    
  


"And if this is a trap?"

Val smiled, his cape swirling behind him. "Then all the more fun for us."

  


"Oh ludicrous," Eris muttered, watching the black-clad man scale the hill.  

"What is it?" Lina asked, pausing in mid motion.

Eris sighed and took the wine from the redhead's hands, setting the bottle aside.  "The dude in black just defeated Noonsa.  That means it's my turn."

"Boo," Lina pouted.  "I wanted lunch."

The black haired woman nodded, gazing sadly at the beautiful picnic lunch before them.  And they were so fortunate to find a large rock as a table with smaller rocks for chairs.  And the view!!  What a waste.  "Don't worry, if I kill him, we eat."

Lina didn't quite know what to say to that.  On one hand she would (presumably) be rescued, on the other… mmm, cheese and bread, a simple pleasure of life.  "Hey!" she cried as Eris tied a cloth about her eyes.

"Sorry, but it might get rather messy and I don't want you to see that."

"Why you're so kind!"

"Oh, it's nothing!" Eris cried, blushing modestly.  "Ah!  Here he comes!  Sorry bout this."  So saying, Eris pulled out her dagger and held it at Lina's throat, glaring at the Mysterious Masked Man.  "Don't you move, or I'll slice her throat!"

The stranger smiled, slowly and dangerously.  "I'm sure we can… work something out."

"Don't take ONE step, do you here me?"

Well, men were never for doing what they're told.  "My dear lady, I'm sure that-" 

Lina squealed in surprise as Eris' knife drew blood, stopping her would be savior in his tracks.

"I'm sure we can reach an agreement," the man growled, eyes flashing red.

"What agreement?  I stole her first!"

Carefully controlled anger betrayed his seemingly calm state.  "Then we've reached a gridlock, ne?"

"I'd say so.  I can't compete with your strength, and you don't come close to my intellect."

  
"Oh, you're THAT smart?"

"Ever hear of King Rezo, the Red Mage, one of the five Wise men?"

"But of course."

"I did all of his work for him," she stated proudly, tossing her hair.

"But to do that you'd have to be kind of old…"

"THE SORCERESS!!" Eris reminded, drawing Lina near.

"Very well then.  Let us test our wits."

"Then please have a seat."

"Thank you.  Would you be so kind as to pour the wine?"

While Eris filled the goblets, the strange man pulled a tiny vial out of his shirt.  "Here.  Smell this but do not touch."

"I don't smell anything."

"Exactly.  This, my lovely lady, is Zomalgustan Powder.  Odorless and tasteless, it is of our world's more deadly and… unpleasant poisons."  So saying, he took both glasses and turned his back to Eris, presumably dumping the powder into one of the two glasses. Placing one goblet before Eris and one before himself, he asked  "Which is wine and which is a one way ticket to L-sama?"

"I see your game," Eris smiled, pushing Lina away.  "But this is far too easy, my friend.  I simply have to deduct what I know of you to divine the location of the poison."

"Then by all means."

"You've beaten my swordsman, so you must at least know that man is mortal."

"Brilliant," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"SHUT UP!! Anyway, knowing that, you would put the poison as far away from yourself as possible.

"May~be."

"But then again, you defeated Noonsa, and that means you are strong.  Therefore, you would place the poison in your own glass, hoping that your strength would save you."

"And then?"

"There is no and then!   But you are obviously angry with me for scratching our little princess,"

"Sorceress," he corrected.

"Sorceress, so therefore, you would place the poison before me in a pursuit of vengeance."

"Your wit IS amazing, Eris-san!"

"…Did I ever tell you my name?"

"…Um… yes."

"Oh… Anyway, anyone with the IQ of a crab knows that anything and everything Zomalgustan comes from Xoana, a country completely inhabited with loons.  Therefore, in your deluded state of mine, you would place the poison in your own glass, therefore I cannot take the wine before you."

"You're stalling, my dear."

"No, you've given everything away, you fool!"

A smirk graced his lips.  "Then make your choice."

"Fine… OH MY GOD!!"  Eris leapt up, knocking Lina over in the process.  "Do mine eyes deceive me or is that a Chimera doing the funky chicken dance of love?!"

"What?  Where?"  Mysterious Masked Man squealed, turning around to see the amazing chimera man.  While his back was turned, Eris oh-so-deviously switched her goblet with his. 

"I don't see anything," he pouted, crossing his arms.

 "Oh… well, maybe he ran away.  Chimera's are quick like that you know," she snickered.

"That they are…why are you laughing, Eris-san?"

"Tell you in a second.  Here, why don't we drink?  You from your glass and me from mine."

"Very well then."

Eris watched from over the rim of her cup until the black clad man began to drink his wine.  Smiling in satisfaction, she quickly downed the contents of her glass, laughing as she set down the goblet.

"You lose, Eris-san," the stranger smiled.

"Oh no I didn't!  I switched the glasses!! You little moron, you broke one of the cardinal rules of war- never turn your back on an enemy!  That is third of course, right behind Never Underestimate a Woman Scorned and Never Demand Lake Dragon in the Presence of a Gold Dra-"

Eris fell over dead.  Dead as a doornail… although a doornail was never technically alive so…

  


"MOTHER!!"

"You Can Be Such A Brat…"

  


"Who are you?" Lina demanded as the Mysterious Masked Man removed her bonds and blindfold.

"I'm no one to mess with," he assured.

She shivered.  His eyes… well, at any rate, Lina definitely believed him.  Sadly looking at Eris' body she couldn't help but to be amazed.  "The poison was in your glass the whole time."

"I'm afraid not.  You see poison has no effect on my amazing person," he chuckled, helping Lina to her feet.

"You cheated?"

"Maybe," he grinned, running down the hill, one red haired sorceress in tow.   


	4. Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' Keep That Sla...

After an extremely long hiatus, I bring you… THE SORCERESS BRIDE!!!  Mwa!  Now, sally forth and enjoy thyself, and mind the childish writing style.  Tis all part of the fun.

X*X*X*X*X* 

Being jerked about by one arm is simply not conducive to balance.  

Lina cried out in frustration every time she stumbled, which was quite often seeing as she was being dragged about by the Mysterious Masked Man _and_ constantly tripping over her long skirt.  She would really have to speak to Valgarv about this whole dress thing…   And the shoes!  What she wouldn't give for some nice, flat, boots- her feet freakin' HURT! They had been running for L-sama knows how long to L-sama knows where and the only thing that Lina managed to reason thus was that they weren't heading for Zephilia.  

"You're…hurting…ME!" the red head snarled, finally having enough.  She pulled back _hard_ from his grip, but to her dismay, her hand remained firmly lodged in his.  Frustrated over his natural man-strength she silently vowed that there would be a Dragon Slave for the history books in a day or two.

He glanced back at her, and she stopped struggling in surprise.  His eyes… he wasn't human!

Smiling, he casually threw the small woman to the ground.  "Rest then," Mysterious Masked Man chirped, rather politely.  

"Fine way to treat a lady!" Lina huffed, shaking her hand.  "Ruffians, all of you!"

"Ruffians?"  The man considered the word a bit before giggling darkly. (Giggle… Darkly… does that even make any sense in context?)   At any rate, it was creepy.  "That's rich, coming from you, cutie-pie.  Aren't you the chick who terrorizes bandit camps for fun?"

"Don't call me that, ass!" Lina snapped, turning as red as her hair… and eyes… and dress… When Lina put her mind to it, she pulled off a damn fine lobster impression.  "And as part of the royal family, I have to keep the peace," she added as an afterthought. 

"Sure, if by keeping the peace you mean leveling small towns and scaring wild dragons."

"IDIOT!!"  Her right hook raced for his head.

He caught her hand, still obviously amused.  "That wasn't very nice.  I did, after all, best the last of your kidnappers with my fine wit."

"You cheated!"

"Rather cleverly."

Shaking her head, she again tried to remove her hand from his.  She failed.  Damn man-strength.  "Stop staring at me."  

"But I'm talking to you."

"Your eyes have slit pupils!"

"Yours are red."

"Hey!  That is a perfectly common eye color!"

"For demons."

"You should talk."  Truth be told, he was making her very, very uncomfortable.  Lina wasn't much of a touchy-feely person, and her personal space bubble was being encroached upon.  Besides, she couldn't take violet eyes… they just reminded her of what she lost when Xelloss left her.  

"Look," she sighed, somewhat defeated.  "I'm sure you feel pretty good about yourself, defeating Eris and her goonies and all that, but you should know that Prince Val is probably right behind us."

"And what makes you think that?"  He slid closer.  

"Arms length, mister!"  He pulled her against himself.  No respect for personal space.  "'What makes me think that?'  You mean besides the fact that the Prince is the greatest hunter this world has seen?  Don't you know anything, idiot?  Lord Valgarv has the blood of Ancients running through his veins.  The man is a descendent of Dragons- I'm sure he'll have no trouble detecting the likes of you."

"I see."  His breath tickled her ear, moving across her cheek to her lips.  Lina forgot to breathe somewhere along the line.  "You have faith that your love will save you?"

This man knew how to ruin a mood.  "I never said that he was my love, you presumptive son of a mango!  Don't put words in my mouth!  And yes, he will find me, and when he does, you'll be drawn and quartered by the four slowest horses in the kingdom!"

"Zowie!  Sounds like fun!" he cheered, releasing her and plopping onto the grass.  Lina sweatdropped.  This man was few fries short of a jovial meal™.

"At any rate, why should I worry?"  He placed his arms behind his head in a carefree manner, obviously not bothered by the fact she might try to escape.  He spent a few moments appreciating the sky before continuing.  "I only see an impetuous woman who would spit out deceit to save her own skin.  Why should I trust what you say?"

"I have told you no lies!"

"No, but you've admitted that you do not love your bridegroom.  What kind of fiancée doesn't love her intended?"

"I don't and why should I?"

"Women of your size aren't usually so picky."

She was going to kiiiillllll him when she got her magic back!  "I'll have you know that I did lo… lov… REALLY LIKE someone once! (1)" 

"Really?"  He rolled over on his stomach and gazed up at her, head in hands, feet kicking the air.  "Tell, me, was he some kind of disfigured freak?  Made of stone, perhaps?"

X*X*X*X*X* 

Somewhere, in another reality, Zelgadiss sneezed.

X*X*X*X*X* 

 "No, he was perfect."  Lina looked away, her mind reeling.   Who did this guy think he was?  And why wouldn't he take that damn mask off.  He was obviously mazoku, so why bother with…

Wait.

Mazoku?

Lina turned around and appraised her "savior" again. Mazoku.  Mysterious.  Cruel.  Dressed like a pirate.  "You're the Dreaded Pirate Gaav, aren't you?"

"As clever as your eyes are demonic, I see," he grinned, shooting up to shake her hand.

"Why don't you,"  *shake, shake*  "take a spoon,"  *shake, shake* "And GOUGE AN 'X' WHERE YOU WANT ME TO START TEARING YOU APART WITH VARIOUS BLUNT OBJECTS, YOU LOVER-KILLING SPAWN OF HELL!!" 

X*X*X*X*X* 

Phibby sneezed.

**X*X*X*X*X***

"That's harsh," he dropped her hand, feelings apparently hurt.  "Who did you say I killed?  Your lover?"  He scratched his chin.  "You know, it is possible, I do kill a lot of people… what was his name."

"YOU KILLED XELLOSS!  YOU BASTARD!"

"Xelloss?"  He dodged her attempt to claw out his eyeballs.  "Oh, that's right, I remember him.  Strikingly handsome, wasn't he?  A dashing example of fine man delectables, if I do say so myself.  Yes, I remember boarding his ship, and I remember his fight for survival."  He sidestepped her heeled foot.  "Oh, what an example of a man!  Bet he was a lion in the sack, wasn't he?"  Lina's fist finally connected with the Masked Man's Mysterious gut.  "Urggn.  Yes, I guess that was a bit inappropriate.  Anyway, before I chopped his head off, he told me of the woman he wanted to return to…"

The black clad man grabbed Lina's fist as she tried to follow up on her earlier punch, and twisted her arm behind her back.  "I can only assume that he meant you," he whispered into her ear.  "Be thankful that I killed him before he realized what a harlot you really are."  So saying, he shoved her to the ground, turning away from her.  "What could have possibly possessed him to fall for someone with your figure, anyway?"

 If Lina had been in her right mind, she might have noticed the bitter sadness in his voice.  Indeed, if she might have noticed a lot of things that were familiar about the Mysterious Masked Man, she was a very bright girl.  But as it was, Lina wasn't in her right mind- not only was she facing Xelloss' murderer, she was hungry, and dirty and cold, and for Zephilia's sake SHE WANTED A BATH!

So it should be of no surprise to anyone that she slapped the Mysterious Mask Man as hard as she possibly could.  And that was very, very hard.  Let there be a moment of pity for the fellow.

This seemed to offend him more than the other blows, attempted or otherwise. He trapped her between a nearby rock and his own body, hands on either side of her head.  "There are penalties where I come from, eminence, when a woman lies."  His face was only an inch from hers, his lips resting a breath's distance from her own.  "But the next time, could you do that a bit harder?"

Before she could sputter some indignation or another, trumpets flared in the background.  The mysterious man stiffened, releasing Lina to have a better look at the approaching entourage; perhaps the prince-whelp really was descended from dragons.   Mysterious Masked Man frowned at the implications.

Lina forced herself to breathe slowly, hand on chest.  Valgarv was on his way.  Soon this would be over.

"I think your rest is over," he said wryly, his back still to her.  Lina seethed.  His voice held no emotion, no anger, and no residue of what just transpired.  How dare he show such feeling and pretend it never happened?  How dare he deny the…

…Electricity…

…ANIMOSITY between them?  No one ignored Lina Inverse.

The black clad man was so close to the incline of the steep hill...  So close… and he was preoccupied with Valgarv's incoming party.  It would be so easy.

"Why don't you," she was next to him quicker than anyone would have given her credit for "GO TO HELL!"  She shoved him as hard as she could, smiling in grim satisfaction as he began his long tumble down to the ravine below.

"So- OW!! -re, w-w-w-Wheeeee!- wa HIMITSU~U~U~U DE~SU!!" he called, somersaulting along his not so merry way.

"Himitsu desu?"  Lina blinked.  "Fruitcake?  Xelloss?  XELLOSS!!"  She stamped her foot, incredibly angry and relieved all at the same time.  "GET BACK HERE YOU FRUITY BASTARD!  RAY WING!"

Unfortunately for our lovely sorceress she had forgotten one important thing:  That Time of the Month = No Magic.  And so…

"OW!  Oof!  Owwwwwwaaaaa."

Some considerable moments later, they both managed to reach the bottom.  Trust me, you wouldn't believe how steep or how long this hill was, it was freaking amazing, it…

Ahem.  So they both reached the bottom.  And lo, Lina was instantly, up, devoting her "care" and "attention" on her thought-to-be-dead lover.

"You."  *SMACK!*  "Evil."  *PUNCH!*  "FRUITCAKE!!"  *KICK*

"I'm-OW-sorry, but-hey!  I was angry and- GAH!! BE CAREFUL WOMAN, THOSE ARE DELICATE PLACES!!"

She stopped, peering down into his eyes and ripping his mask off.  "Don't you 'woman' me."

Xelloss did what any self-respecting man would do in the same situation.  He eeped.  "Yes, ma'am."

"Why did you lie?  Why were you so hateful?"  Lina was quiet now, her hair a delicate red curtain about them both.

He shifted.  "You're engaged, Lina.  I was angry.  Me jealous man.  Why didn't you wait?"

"Xelloss, I was told you were _dead._"

"I got better."

"I can see that."  She shifted around till she was sitting next to his prone form.

He sat up, looking down at his hands while she played with the hem of her dress.  "Are you not happy to see me?"

"I lived in hell for five years," she said softly.  "All this time, you were alive?  No word, no hint, nothing?  You hurt me so much… I want to shake you until your head pops off."

"So, I'll take it as a yes?"

Her only response was to tackle him again and-

**X*X*X*X*X***

"MOTHER!" Phibrizo cried, ducking under his Thundercats sheets.

"What?" She asked, clearly annoyed.

He peeked up at her, betrayal in his weird lime-green eyes.  "No kissing.  That's gross, enough, but the two of them…" He shuddered.

"You May Not Mind So Much When You're Older."

"Bollocks."

"Language.  Okay, No Kissing.  Where Were We Then…"

**X*X*X*X*X***

"Highness, we've lost sight of them," Zangulus reported, drawing nearer to his prince.

Val appraised the area with his keen vision, raising an eyebrow at the oddly crushed grass down the hill.  "They're heading east, into the Swamp of Very Icky Things.  We'll wait for them on the other side."

"With all due respect my lord, no one has ever survived."

"You don't know my fiancée like I do, Zangulus.  Onward, men!" the prince yelled, urging his horse to go faster.

**X*X*X*X*X***

The two lovers ran as quickly as possible, hand in hand, through the ravine.   "Xelloss, you realize we can't outrun him without magic, and using magic will just alert his senses even more, right?"

"Don't worry, we'll loose them in there!"  He pointed.

"Fruitcake!  That the Swamp of Very Icky Things!  No one has ever survived in there!"

"Silly girl, you're just saying that because no one has."

"Exactly!"

"Now, Lina-chan, if everyone jumped off of a bridge, would you?"

"No."

"Exactly, so don't be like everyone else.  Be an individual!  Survive."

She whapped him upside the head.  "Fruitcake."

"Oh, Lina-chan, I LOVE it when you act dirty."

  
"You are _so_ annoying."

Notes:  1) Lina would never admit to loving anyone, now would she?


End file.
